“In life, you get what you believe you deserve.” Jay Samit

I spent so much of my childhood yearning for a future season, worrying about the future, and forcing things to happen. Especially that last part. I have always tried to force friendships, relationships, and situations that didn’t feel right because I thought it was what I wanted. I ended up miserable, things ended badly, and I also suffered karmic residue from those situations. Nowadays, I only want what comes easily to me, but I still suffer from the choices I made when I was forcing my own will on the universe. I know now that I don’t have to think or plan, I just need to work hard and do what feels right in the moment, and the right people and the right opportunities will come to me. I know the suffering that I have endured from my past and my past choices has also been for my benefit. However, I am working now to cleanse my karmic residue because I am ready now to receive blessings and abundance.

At my purest, when I was a young child, I often received what in hindsight I consider “spiritual gifts.” Some may call them “strokes of genius.” I loved to write, and I was good at it. I would wake up each day with so many ideas. Unfortunately, my karmic residue began to accumulate during my teenage years, and by the time I reached adulthood, I had stopped receiving those “strokes of genius.” The traumas I experienced, such as emotional abuse from my family and relationships and bullying from my peers, resulted in low self-esteem and a low sense of self-worth. Instead of healing, I began a cycle of re-traumatizing myself that lasted well into my 30s.

Throughout that time, I truly believed I was unlovable and that only someone else’s undying love and devotion could redeem me. That is why I chased relationships and marriage, and why I tried so hard to stay married. It’s why I put up with disrespect, ill treatment, and even abuse. I thought that enduring trials would redeem me and through them I would eventually “earn” what I so desperately desired, which was to feel worthy of respect and unconditional love. But that’s not how it works. You show people how to treat you. And so, while I was punishing myself for all of my perceived “wrongs,” which was really just me repeating a never-ending cycle of trauma, I was also letting others repeat their own never-ending cycle of trauma with me. I know that I am not alone in this experience. It’s actually a pretty universal experience.

What I refer to as “karmic residue” is really just what happens when you continue to carry the expectations, shame, and guilt that accompany past traumas and the choices you made because of those traumas. Many of us, when we begin to heal from our cycles, refer to ourselves as “broken.” A better word for it is “burdened.” We say “everyone deserves love” while silently excluding ourselves, without realizing that how we speak to and about ourselves is the key to unlocking all of the love that we could ever need, and that is the love of oneself.

What really closed the gap for me was when I started asking myself, what do I believe I deserve? Do I believe I deserve rest? Do I believe I deserve a life of ease? Do I believe I deserve forgiveness? Do I believe I deserve to receive without having to prove that I’m worthy of it? Do I believe I deserve love without having to perform for it?

At first, the answer was no. Belief is a muscle that has to be exercised.

Recognizing my pattern of forcing my will on the universe and longing for things that were not meant for me was only the first step. The next step was changing how I felt about myself. The concept of karmic residue, whether interpreted spiritually, psychologically, or energetically, suggests unresolved feelings of shame and guilt, and requires gentle release. Here are some ways that I began to cleanse and realign myself:

1. Radical acceptance of the past. Instead of resisting or regretting my past choices, I practiced loving acknowledgement. My mantra was “I did the best I could with what I knew then, and I honor that version of me.” This releases shame and guilt and opens the door to healing.
   • Resource: Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach. Access through my link at Radical Acceptance Book.¹
2. Energetic release rituals. Simple rituals like writing down everything I was carrying onto a piece of paper, or writing letters to my past self, and then burning the paper, helped me to emotionally let some things go. My mantra was, “I release what no longer serves me, and I am open to grace.”
3. Daily practices for receptivity and forgiveness. I started practicing gratitude journaling, meditation, and using daily affirmations. My mantra was, “I trust that what is meant for me will find me.”
4. Symbolic cleansing. Yes, I did/do the woo-woo stuff, too. Just as with the simple rituals, these physical acts often mirror emotional release. Salt baths, smudging with sage, and decluttering my spaces seem to help me shift stagnant energy. My mantra was, “I release what no longer serves me, and I am open to grace.”
5. Service and compassion. Karmic healing also comes through giving. Acts of kindness, especially when done without expectation, create ripples of grace.

Some people view karma as a form of cosmic punishment, but I consider it more as a teacher. I listen to and trust the universe to bring me what I need, even in those times when it brings me things I don’t want. Through what I’ve learned, I’ve adopted a new mantra: “I release the weight of the burdens I have been carrying and forgive my past self. I honor my growth, and open my heart to divine timing. I am worthy of ease, joy, and the blessings that are already finding me.” This, along with the other mantras I mentioned above and my daily affirmations, are things I say in the morning, during moments of doubt, and any time I need to realign with my truth. My truth is this: I don’t need love and validation from others to feel worthy of love, because I am already worthy. I love myself, and I am enough.

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